You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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