When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize