Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
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It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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