I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
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i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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