My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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