i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
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at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
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All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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