im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
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He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
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Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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