I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
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Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
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We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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