dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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