Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize