ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
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Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
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It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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