my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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