Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
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Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
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Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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