i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
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