apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
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He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
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I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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