I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
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I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
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Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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