you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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