All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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