I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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