If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
After tacos, we're chasing women.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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