I'm so fucking centered right now
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
how does that bad decision feel?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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