u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
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Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
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Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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