FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
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I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
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I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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