on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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