I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
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Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
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Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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