What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
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It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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