I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
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I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
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I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize