Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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