I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
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She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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