I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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