theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
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I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
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Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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