dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
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there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
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how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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