so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
it was like his penis was on wheels.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
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That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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