Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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