The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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