I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
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Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
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I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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