How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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