Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
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at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
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Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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