The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
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in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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