mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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