yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
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Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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