there's paper in my vomit.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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