Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
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It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
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Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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