I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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