She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
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She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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