She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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