went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
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Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
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I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
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