I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
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Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
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my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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