I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
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Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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