you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize